Lost...

What happens when you realize that you are hated by your narcissistic mother and everyone else that you have opened your life up to take what they need and then leave taking all friends with them by spreading rumors and lies?... Well the answer is you are lost. I have my children who I adore and love my husband who sometimes struggles to understand me and where I am coming from. I am a 36 year old woman who has no friends and who was on a path of strength until someone took that away leaving with them a path of utter destruction.
Something as silly as having dreads that I have wanted for so long are now gone due to having no strength left to be myself when my mother will be here in just a few weeks. She will be here to tell me where I have gone wrong, how fat and loathsome I am and how I am doing wrong by my family by not having a career, job and having had too may kids!
My husband asked me to give him 2 positive things about myself... Through many tears I was unable to give him one. He was right when he said I could give him 50 or more negative things about myself... I could probably give him more. This is not my feeble attempt at playing a victim I am not one or at least do not see myself as one, I have a past just like everyone else, it is not a good one, but I am just unable to see any positive anymore. I wonder if I was ever able to.
To top it all off I have been seriously ill for about 6 months or more. As much as I want to live a holistic, western medicine free life right now I am unable which is like kicking a person when they are already down. It is a do or die situation!
I am trying to see the positive here but right now am unable. One day I may I just hope it is sooner rather than later as I am unsure how much more I can take.
Life goes on right... Where are my rainbows could do with one!
Tomorrow is a new day! Trying to look up!